I try not to get too personal in my blog but today it’s so not happening. Woke up this morning feeling quite annoyed and well, under the weather. I had a total of three failed attempts of getting up, starting my day, one of which was at 8am. (I technically still haven’t started my day being that it’s 2:30pm & i’m still in my pjs but who the fuck cares). Anyways, my headspace is not exactly ideal at the moment. I had some pretty disturbing dreams which left me questioning a lot of shit in my life at the moment, I feel sick, and I feel stressed-the-fuck-out! In a nutshell, the evil little hamsters have control of the wheels and they’re working overtime. They’re testing my will, my spirit, my heart, my head, and my very being. Some would think that’s some fucked up shit and who the fuck do these hamsters think they are?! And although, these hamsters are rotten to the core, they’re doing all of this out of love and protection. (yes, I’ve realized I may or may not be making much sense but bear with me. It will all come full circle in a moment or two).
Introspection can be a double-edged sword at times. Today, it’s split me open, left me raw and bleeding all over the floor. Usually, I’m able to quickly wipe up the mess and push forward. Today, not so much. I obviously need to let what’s there on the floor remain on the floor for a little while longer. I need to figure out why the evil hamsters have taken over…why they want me so badly to let them build a fortress around myself with walls so high you’d have to be either really really tall or god to jump over the walls, or you’d have to be hella strong to break them down. They want me to push everything and everyone so far away that nothing or no one will want to come back. They so dearly want to hide my vulnerability and keep me safely hidden away. They want to call the shots and shut my shit down. They want me to trust no one. They want to do their so-called version of “damage control.” But its not damage control, it’s self-sabotage, plain and simple. Fear can be a powerful thing. Fear is deceiving. Fear sucks away your hope and your dreams. Fear is a mother-fucker! But fear can also be helpful in the way that it will push you, test you, make you stronger, guide you through the muddied waters and get you to the surface so you can finally breathe. So, I’m thankful in a way for the fears I have because without them I wouldn’t learn a damn thing. I wouldn’t be the person I am today or the person that I aim to be. But seriously, fear, why do you have to be such a fucking bitch?!
“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.” – Chuck Palahniuk
